Tuesday, December 9, 2008

An Age Old Question & Finding Perfection

Well, maybe not age old, but fairly well debated, nowadays.


Real vs Fake: what do you prefer?


Just about everyone has their preferences, of course, and most will let you know about 'em.


'Real ones tend to sag, droop, and look a bit lifeless after time, whereas falsies stay perky forever.'

'I want mine as nature intended / Fake ones just feel weird.'

'My man paid for it.'

'Real, fake, whatever.'

'It's not what's above, it's what's below that counts!'

Was that last one a bit much?


Interestingly enough, most women that I know have very strong opinions about sticking au natural- see, Christmas just wouldn't be the same, otherwise.


What?


I'm talking about Christmas trees, you pervs!


So anyways, My Love and I a few years back had The Big Christmas Tree Debate. I didn't really have strong opinions either way, but my folks always had a fake tree, and we did all right. Fake trees might cost a bit more, tree for tree, but I was kind of keen on the reusability factor. No muss, no fuss, just toss that bad boy down from the attic, set it up, and voila! - time to decorate everything else risking life and limb on the rooftops..., and risking life and 'limb' when you find out that her treasured childhood stuffed animal collection is NOT to be staged in an erotic fashion.


Anywhere.


And especially not on top of the Christmas Tree, mantle, dining table, or guest beds when family is expected. (In my defense, I didn't know they'd be there that early, honest!)


Back to the story and quite naturally, my opinions were duly pondered (for about this ][ long) , and rejected. See, My Lovely had always had a Real Live (sort of) tree for Christmas, growing up (her, not the newly hewn sacrifice to the Christmas Spirit). She had visions of us searching pristine and well ordered fields for The Perfect Tree. As I came to understand it, due to our geographical location, the concept of snowy fields was negotiable. Excess Christmas Crack pulsing through her veins was not. Bah.


Interestingly enough, after much excruciating searching of the area, we found that in our area of the great state of Texas, these idyllic fields of Christmas Trees are all located at the local Home Depot, outdoor area.


I was only slightly enthused by the fact that there appeared to be an overeager young kid to assist us with our purchase. I'll give the guy credit, he was crawling all over the place, searching amongst the stacked and bound offerings to find 'that perfect one'. Finally, she was satisfied and I was only slightly homi/sui-cidal from the temps (low), time (long), and nearby shoppers (annoying).


He offered to help strap the tree down for us.


It was at this time that I remembered a few smaller items that I was meaning to get (read: stuff she told me to fix around the house but I just remembered about). So I tossed her the keys, reminded/mumbled to her about her previous marching orders, and off I went. I returned to the car just as the kid was slapping his hands of the roughly 20 lbs of needles produced/min that our tree gave off and tightening the last knots of the cords that held the tree strapped to the car's roof.


She was all smiles. I, for about the first time that evening, was also sporting a grin. Immediately noticing the change in my countenance, she was probably suspecting a psychotic break and asked me what was wrong. "Oh, nothing, my love. Let's just get in the car and go home, m'kay?"


I let her tug on the door handle a couple of times before I pointed out that the cords, while excellently tied, very effectively secured all four doors shut. I suggested that we enter the car Dukes style, but that idea got shot down as well.


Not that big of a deal, we got the tree tied down correctly (I was just happy to find that I wouldn't have to drive w/one hand out the window, holding that sucker down while cruising down the highway). Off we went.


Back at the house, I expeditiously removed the tree from the car's roof (cut the cord with my knife and heaved ho, ho, ho-ed), dumping another 50 lbs or so on the yard, quite conveniently covering up at least two of the dead-grass brown spots. I managed to drag that sucker up the short walkway, up the steps, and into the house, losing ever more needles (I figured I'd turn the naked half of the tree to the corner of the room). It only took about two tries before we realized that our tree was too tall for our living room, by the roughly 6 in skid-looking marks on the ceiling that faintly exist to this day. Awesome.

Finally, the tree was trimmed, somewhat still nettled, propped up and decorated. Yay, 'cause after you get the tree up, yer done preppin' for Christmas, right?


Riiiiight.


I did have fun positioning those stuffed animals, though... I always do.

7 comments:

Bob G. said...

Sarge:
Don'cha just LOVE those "helpers" at the local big boxes...like a mongoose tweaked on speed, eh?
And the rule of "measure twice, buy once" still rings true regarding those "FURREAL" trees!

Got some rememberances over the various trees we had in our household then AND now...
See?
You got me to thinkin' (many have said that used to be dangerous).

What we need are Murphy's Rules of Christmas Tree Buying...LOL!
(the unabridged edition w/ all those good cuss words left in)

Carry On.

Snigglefrits said...

I prefer fake trees. We were spending $80/year on live trees- bought our current faker for $75 on sale and have used it 10 years so far. It's pretty, it's cheap, it doesn't shed, it doesn't become a fire hazard, I don't have to water it and I always know where *the perfect* tree for next year is.

Old NFO said...

With the kids out and gone, and me living on the road 180 days a year, plastic works :-) I'm STILL trying to get all the @#$^ needles out of the carpet at my place in SC, and thats from a tree FIVE years ago. Mow my "tree" is 8 inches high and sits on my mantle :-)

miss kitten said...

fake tree. prelit. cause TheEngineer doesnt believe in christmas festivities for adults, that sort of thing is for kids.

too damn bad his new bride is an eternal 12 year old. he insists on putting *my* stuffed animals in rude positions, too...he says he gets to because he buys them for me. oy.

Murphy said...

Meh, my rules for real tree-buyin' would be;

Don't.

8 in and on the mantle? Jeez, there's friggin' angels singing and a light from above over here...

Mebbe TheEngineer is just trying to show his 'Christmas Spirit' by way of the dolls... or something. Ha!

Gene said...

> when you find out that her
> treasured childhood stuffed
> animal collection is NOT to be
> staged in an erotic fashion.

Snerk! Back when I was in the Navy and our carrier was in drydock for a refit my youngest brother got assigned to the same ship. He and his young wife (barely 18) moved to Bremerton and rented their first apartment together. They went somewhere for the week and I apartment sat because I was cheap, single and living on the ship. When I walked into their bedroom and saw the extensive collection of (mainly Disney) stuffed animals I did the same thing. She said later that Snow White and the Six Dwarves (Dopey was "busy" with Cinderella IIRC) were, "sullied forever!!!!"

Then again, I wrote the girl off when I discovered she cooked chili from a recipe.

indy said...

fake tree, real everything else.......;)