Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Urinalisys, Interviews, and Honesty is the Best Policy?

I don't know how many urinalysis tests I've had to take.

I definitely remember the first one, in boot camp.

The ultra-motivated Drill Instructor was waiting inside the head (Marinespeak for bathrooms) for the 4 of us recruits to line up at the trough. He politely requested (for a DI) that we, uh, 'present arms' and fill up his cups for later testing. I got about half the cup filled up when he informed me (loudly) to stop pissing and get out of his sight. "You're done, maggot!"


Recruit Murphy's bloated bladder almost dared to disagree with the DI for a second, there.

I discovered that it is possible to not piss all down ones leg while sprinting out of a bathroom followed by a screaming DI sounding off at decibels not previously thought possible by mere mortals.

A test I find rather difficult to forget.

Thankfully, the others were much less traumatic.

Usually what would happen for a 'random' piss test was that the platoon would line up, all clad in pt gear, and the Platoon Sergeant would call out the names of Marines to go provide a sample. This would normally be where the trash talking would commence.

"Hope y'all studied for the test!"

"You don't do pregnancy tests on the urine from male Marines, right?"

"Be the one, gents... be the one..."

"If anybody pops positive, you WILL be positively popped!"

My own personal mantra was, "again?" (I always seemed to be randomly selected.)

Not that I was worried, of course. I always kept my nose clean (Har!), and never had any trouble. A few of the guys, of course, well... there's always one knucklehead that thinks he can get away with anything, I guess.

Having said that, I was kind of surprised at the number of interviews outside of the Corps that touched in the interview process with past drug use. One particularly memorable time, I was in between finding miserable jobs and decided to run over to the Big City PD, to see what was shakin'. I had a few questions, and the recruiter was most informative. During our conversation, he rather gracefully guided the talk to prospective barriers to ones employment at the department.

Now, I'm no angel, and I told him so. He told me that as of that time there was nothing I had brought up that would forever outright bar me from working with them should I decide to do so. Nevertheless, he started through his list.

U.S. Citizen?


Ever been convicted of a felony?


Got any warrants?

WTH kind of friggin' post-op brain donor would go get info for a PD with a felony or warrants?


We spent the next couple of minutes just breezing through his checklist. Until he got to the part about drug use.

What kind of drugs have you used?

Prescription, sir.

(him) *sigh*

(me) Sir?

Come on, man. High school... college... life... ever had just a puff, a sniff, a lick, squirt or shot, or something?


Ever go to any parties?


Parties... where there were drugs?

Probably, I would imagine.

So, you've tried them, then.


Everybody's tried 'em, once in their life.


(him, again) *sigh*

You know you'd have to take a urinalysis and polygraph, right?

Hell, I could do the piss test in my sleep, brother.

I tried to explain that I was a geek in high school, too busy bombing with the ladies and finding new and improved ways NOT to study in college, got tested at every 'random' drug test in the Corps, and somehow never got around to that stuff.

He didn't buy it, not for one second.

Almost made me feel like I should have taken a puff or two (but not inhale, of course) just so I'd have something to admit to.


MadRocketScientist said...

I just admit to Whippits and booze.

Old NFO said...

LOL- Yeah, I used to LOVE those... Getting ready to go fly- Oh, by the way, since you're here, go piss...

"random" piss test after dets to Thailand, "random" piss tests after going to P.I. sigh...

Peter said...

Sounds like em-pee-rical research to me.


Modesto said...

You crack me up. Did 16 years in the Guard. I'm living the opposite, grew up in LA, living in MN. Too damned cold here. Really like the blog.

Fire Fox said...

Murph... I used to have to administer the tests.... private sector.. (no pun intended!) Lord have mercy... never saw so much shucking and jiving! (Yes, that is my pee ma'am, I just drank alot of water yesterday). What? Ten gallons? (I don't know why my pee is so cold... honest ma'am, I might be getting sick I guess) Maybe I should do a top ten list huh?

Mikael said...

I've never done a urine test... but like you, I've never done any illegal drugs either(alcohol and tabacco don't count right?) I've never even had morphine in the hospital.

That said, I have rolled a joint recently... in thailand, for an irishman who was too drunk to roll it himself(since I had experience in rolling my own cigarettes in days past, though I've quit).

Been offered pot, hasch and ecstacy but always turned it down.

Snigglefrits said...

I've taken my share of tinkle tests, but the worst experience was when I was being checked out to work at USPS.

The toilet lid was chained shut. The water was ultraviolet blue. And a tech went into the room with me. To watch me pee.

I'm a girl damnit! Girls don't pee well in front of others! (At least I don't)

Murphy said...

madrocketscientist: Shoot, I only heard about whippits a couple of years ago. I'm so out of the loop.

old nfo: It got to the point where I was shocked if I DIDN't have to test.

peter: *groan* There's another gag in there somewhere about testing with the other head... maybe being ever the 'testee'...

modesto: Cool. No really, cool (brrr).

fire fox: Private Sector, Ha! Hear tell the money's pretty good in that! Lookin' forward to that top ten list.

mikael: He wouldn't have been my squad's machine gunner, by any chance, would he?

snigglefrits: Chained shut? Har!

aonian said...

Signed up for the Guard a few months ago. I was advised at the beginning of the MEPS process not to pee, so I didn't. And about every five minutes I was asking the nurses, "Can I have the pee test now? Can I have the pee test now?"

After I'd finally squirmed my way through the ASVAB, the nurse came and said, "Are you ready for the u--"


For the record, girls pee just fine in front of other people when they've drunk enough water to put out a small forest fire.