Thursday, April 17, 2008

A Charlie Bravo and Lessons Learned

Lovely Love mentioned a couple of times how endearing she thought I was, when we first met. Apparently, it was... painfully obvious how I felt about the situation, and how hard I tried not to screw things up.

Too badly.

I know, I know, I can hear the naysayers out there, 'What? Murphy... on shaky ground with the ladies? Never!'

As hard as it might be to comprehend, I guess you could say that I had some... interesting experiences when it came to the wimmens, one of which is practically demanding to be told.

Once upon a time, in a land not too far away, there was four girlies. They were the best of friends, and went just about everywhere and did everything together. Their names were Ami, Amy, Aimee, and Toots. Toots was a very smart girl. She had a dry sense of humor, very artistic mind, and a smokin' hot li'l body. She loved to dance, sing, and do poetry. She looked forward to her time in the Peace Corps. She was a hippy out of her era. She was just about everything that I was not.

I liked all of them, but for Toots, it was lust at first sight.

Call it my poker face, my sense of restraint, decorum, or whatever, but I didn't make it very well known how I felt. I guess I just wanted to make everything work out in its own time, taking my time, not really killing time, but you know.... yeah, I was about chickening out of the whole thing.

One evening, I went over to the girls' house to hang out before a night of festivities. After arriving at their place, I realized that I was about spent, what with screwing the pooch on various finals, pulling all-nighters to start papers from scratch, etc. I was most definitely not up for a night of drinking- heck, I could barely stay awake doing nothing more strenuous than sitting on the couch and talking.

Toots came in, and announced that her friend, 'Bradley', would be joining the group for the evening. This was just after I had decided and announced that I was going to have to beg off for that evening, and I didn't want to make it look like I was rising to some sort of guy challenge. Besides, he was just a friend from way back, not a love interest, right? Right?

The plans were made for the evening.

While Bradley and the girls were getting ready to go, Toots told me to go ahead and crash on her bed. She told me that she wouldn't be out too late, that Bradley had an early flight back home in the morning, and that she would more likely than not cuddle up with me before too long. Yeah, I had managed to convert roughly 3 months of hanging out and late night talks... into cuddle buddy status.

Man, what a dork I was.

So, true to my dork status, I went to sleep and Bradley and the girls went out to party. Toots came home after a few hours, a bit fuschnookered and more than a little frisky.

She climbed onto the bed.

The sundry sounds of soft kisses, slurpy smacks, and low sighs filled the air. Clothes were coming off and being tossed to various corners of the room. Drunken whispers could be heard in between the moans and groans. She was most definitely ready to go, having restrained herself for too long.

The only problem was, she was getting it on... with Bradley (on her roomie's bed), and not me (in her own).

Yes, way.

There are times in a persons life when they manage to say exactly what it is that's running through their heads. They are able to clearly convey their thoughts, and the resulting words are fit for remembrance... pretty much forever. They are a highlight in ones own self-view of how one acts and reacts with others. They are the stuff that tell stories, and songs are made about. They are the types of speeches and blahbitty blah de blah... This was not one of those situations where I made the perfect remarks.

Want to know what I said?

After I realized that the moans and groans were not coming from the bed I was in (dangit), I sat up, scratched at my eyes, and looked over at the partially nekkid mound of missed opportunities. I thought of the months of getting to know her and the girls. I thought of the conversations, the parties, and the time spent just hanging out. I thought of all of this, chuckled, and said,

"Well, crap".

Come to think of it, maybe I did say about exactly what was on my mind, after all...

The best part about it was, they kept on keepin' on, didn't even notice my commentary on the situation.

After about a minute of just sitting there, wondering what I should do, I got up and padded to the connecting door to see what the other girls were up to. As it was about 3 in the morning, they were busy sleeping.

Go figure, huh.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that coeds tend to be slightly surprised when a guy appears in their room at 3 in the morning, inquiring if he might resume his slumber on their couch, as his first offer of sleeping quarters is no longer... satisfactory.

They screamed, I screamed, good times.

Toots and Bradley were still... keeping on. Noisily. Yeah, her too.

After uncurling from the fetal position, with a few seconds of explanations, much apologizing and retrieving pillows, shoes, and whatnot for them, they had a few choice words for Toots, told me to make a little more noise when walking around (it apparently was the suddenness of the appearance, I guess), and told me to pull up a couch and crash. The rest of the night was uneventful.

Lessons Learned:

1) Never be too tired to party, especially when old friend are involved.

2) Old friends are your enemy, especially all bastards named Bradley.

3) When in doubt - do something. Don't wait for the perfect occasion, scene, time, or whatever.

4) A slipper to the nuts CAN make you stop and say, 'Howdy'. Good shot by the way, Amy.

5) Don't make lists of stupid lessons when you can be making the moves on the ladies.

6) It really never is up to you or your 'moves', it's up to the lady in question if you're getting any play.

7) Sometimes (read: usually), you're just S.O.L.

8) Occasionally, you're not.

9) Lesson #8 is a rarity, not a regularity. Accept it.

10) Might as well have fun with the situation, either right then and there or several years later in a blog...


Old NFO said...

LOL- Murph you just proved you are a 'nice' guy...

The girls don't want the nice guys, they want the assholes, then bitch to you about them.

Funny post!

Snigglefrits said...

I always liked the nice guys- they just tended to be assholes too. :-P

Oh and- poor Murphy. :-(

Anonymous said...

bwah hahahahahaha *snort* hahaha
You kill me, Murph! GREAT story!

Sabra said...

Oy. Sounds like you dodged a close one there.

Murphy said...

old nfo: I have my moments, good and bad, like any other guy, but I do have to say I've heard my share of bitch sessions in my day... even managed NOT to say, 'told ya so' a couple of times...

snigs: *toot*

kvegas911: Thank you, thank you, I'll be here... for a while. Try the veal.

sabra: Story of my life!

Jay G said...

Murph, it sounds like you and I went to the same damn school of being the nice guy who gets shit on.

I feel your pain, brother...

SpeakerTweaker said...


I'd likely have been the entering Freshman to you and Murph's graduating Senior status at that school.

Here's to being better off, or whatever crap we told ourselves to make the situation seem to suck less:)