Thursday, June 19, 2008

Murphy Finds His First True Love

Once upon a time, sometimes seems like long ago, there was a young guy named 'Murphy'. Murphy was a dashing young chap, smart, athletic, the love of the ladies...

Oh, the joy of being your own editor...

... so anyways, Murphy graduated from high school and found himself without much to do for a summer besides working at the local grocery, partying, ferrying younger siblings around to soccer and ballet, partying, sleeping, partying, trying to figure out what he was gonna do when he grew up (still working on that one), partying... you get the picture.

He decided to join one of the local Rex Kwon Do clubs.


Largely due to his endless skill, lightning quick reflexes, immense power [read: thick skull and plenty of enthusiasm], he became the defacto live practice dummy for Sensei 'Bob', when the head honcho was out. Bob was a big ole boy, and what he lacked in skill, he made up for in gut ... er... knowledge.

It wasn't all bad, there were some good guys and gals there, and Murphy had a lot of fun. He learned all about tournament tag, got alot of exercise, and made some friends.

One day, Murphy got done with a long afternoon of taking the siblings around town, hustled over to the nearest Taco Hell, dropped them off at the house, made a quick grocery run for mom, and then made his way to the club. Pulling up in the very fashionable mini-van (thanks, Mom!), he got to the school in time for the beginners class. Planning to just sit, stretch, and basically hang out, he noticed her.

We'll just call her Suzy, and she was quite the lovely.

She didn't have the standard white baggy uniform on, so was wearing some soccer shorts and a tank top.

Did I mention that ole Murf had just graduated high school? Yeah, take a wild guess at what I noticed... Yup, she had beautiful eyes.

Seriously though, she was a looker. About 25 years old (only 8 years my senior, score!), in decent shape (see above), and obviously looking for a younger 'man'.

*Ahem* Give me a moment here, to slick back my eyebrows...

God, I was (am?) such a schmuck! *smack*

As it turns out, Sensei Bob was teaching a class full of new students, and, noticing that I was hanging out, offered to let me take part in teaching the new folks.


About 30 minutes into the class, after the stretches and warm-up, Bob the party-pooper pulled me aside and told me to stop hassling the new gal (it must've been the cheesy lines).

I can only hope that she thought it was endearing or cute, because thinking back on it, I often apply palm to forehead, rapidly, and with much force. *smack*

The class continued, as it normally did, with some basic techniques, and some very limited sparring, with me pining away from afar, banished to the far end of the room.

I noticed that Bob was spending quite a bit of time working with Suzy.

The bastard.

Interspersed with some of the sparring, we did some calisthenics, to keep the heart rate up, tire us out, and to try to show that technique was very important when one got tired. Bob decided that we'd go ahead and do quite a bit of ab exercises. Interesting choice, especially considering his prominent 'Buddha' belly, I remember thinking...

One exercise that we did back then was where you would lie on the ground with your feet six inches above the floor and your hands above your head, also about six inches off the floor. It's a heck of an exercise, and doesn't take too long to start to tire you out. Some of the class was struggling to hold the position, and Bob told everyone to relax for a second. He called me up to the front and told me to assume the position. So I spread my feet, put my hands on the wall -

Not that one, crazy....

I dropped down flat on my back, extended my arms and legs, and made the 'V'.

He took his time explaining to the class the benefits of the position to the body's core, and how those benefits would relate to learning all of the various kicks that they taught in the school. While he was going through his soliloquy, I snuck a peek (or 5) at the love of my life, thinking about how I would lay down my game, after the class was finished. It was true love, after all, and I could get lost gazing into her, ahem, 'eyes'...


He decided to get creative in my demonstrating the position.

As I was just about getting to the point where my abs were starting to shake, when I had started to regret getting that extra-large burrito for lunch, when I was trying to think about future plans to take my mind off of the burn, I caught the last part of his speech - "...we want to get creative with this position, we do something like this!"

He then stepped on my stomach.

Now, despite the fact that he was a big guy, and I was not, this was not usually a big deal. I was pretty resilient, usually, and given enough heads up, would normally be able to stand the momentary weight with little more than a low grunt. On the other hand, usually and normally I wouldn't have had the somewhat gaseous belly that I had at that particular time.

Have you figured out what happened when my tired abs met Bob's big stanky footsies, all of a sudden, like?

Yeah, I grunted - from both ends - and it wasn't particularly quiet, neither. Heck, there wasn't even a dog nearby that I could blame it on. To say that I was mortified would be somewhat of an understatement.

Somehow, someway, I didn't get the girl.

Go figure, huh.

Come to think of it, it was a pretty good indicator of the usual plan of action re: the lovelies - fall hard, fall fast, then crash and burn. Spectacularly.

Thankfully, future crashes and burnings were never done in that exact way again, though...


Mikael said...

Personally, if I was in that situation, I'd probably have 'sensei' Bob in a leglock before he knew what hit him. You know, pure reflex. *wink*

Then again, I'd never be there in the first place, I don't put much stock in the "Rex Kwon Do" type places.

I will say though that practicing BJJ with hot girls is kinda interesting... especially considering the BJJ "Guard", if you know what I mean.

SpeakerTweaker said...

Damn. You're not quite so bad off as MattG was with the chick from the fencing team. Still, I had a feeling that Taco Hell was somehow going to lead to that.

That's good stuff.