Sunday, May 4, 2008

Sounds like something I'd do...

Ack! Dr... Pepper.... burning... nostrils...!

This is probably why I don't get as much work done as I should, I keep getting stuff like this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.


I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don’t do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and


I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'do it again, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles. I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in Shock


Snigglefrits said...

Wow. You must have gotten a super dooper extra special stun gun.

I had one when I was in college- daddy bought it for me from the local police dept. to keep me safe.

I accidentally zapped myself and it didn't faze me.

Of course, I can walk up to an electric fence and hold it with no ill effects...

Xtine said...



We had a bail bondsman continuing education conference at my work yesterday. From roughly 9am til 2pm, people were playing with tasers.

I was tempted to ask them to tase me, but I was a little scared of pissing my pants at work.

On that note, check out this video:

Snigglefrits said...

And after rereading this, I realize you read it somewhere else and weren't the one who did it.

Reading for Comprehension Snigs, FTW.
I hang my head in shame.

Mikael said...

Actually, this one is an urban legend, which I first read on Darwin Awards about a year ago, it's been making the rounds for a while, since 2004 at least.

Mikael said...

Oh and PS:

Also my word verification for the previous post was smgmc. ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall watching that one go off!!

Bob Perrow

Lonestar Gal said...

OMG! I have not laughed this hard in weeks!!! ugh! My stomach hurts! ROFLMAO

Bobby G. said...

First time posting here...nice blog, but...
Geezus H. tap-dancin Kee-hrist!
Aw, man...that's gonna leave a mark!
Well, I suppose your answer to the taser's effectivness is no longer in doubt.

Remember...I'm not laughing AT you...I'm laughing WITH you.
(you ARE laughing now..right?)


Dedicated_Dad said...

I did something similar -- once -- with a stun-gun. Never play with stun devices...

On a more recent note, following my recent knee replacement I had a lot of trouble getting my quadriceps to function. 6 years of atrophy, topped with the doc "splitting" them during the surgery, and ... on top of hurting like hell, they just wouldn't work.

I found in rehab that a "stim" machine helped with my exercises -- it helped me focus on the muscle so as to learn to use it again.

So I bought one online.

When I took it out of the box, I stuck the pads on my leg. I then started reading the book, trying to figure this thing out.

I carefully set it to be "10 seconds on, 10 seconds off" When I thought I was ready to go, I started to turn the machine on. Apparently my guardian-angel was present, and whispered in my ear: "You'd better try that on your arm first, doncha think?" So I moved the pads to my arm.

I turned it on. Nothing happened. I spun the dial higher, and felt nothing. I cranked it still higher -- still nothing. I cranked it all the way up.


A jolt like 220v electricity shot through my arm, like getting zapped by my dryer outlet (a story for another time). Anyone who has had a 220v experience knows that 220 will "throw you" -- you don't hold on to that sort of zap. No way I could have held onto this one either!

Except for the fact that it was coming through adhesive pads, stuck to my arm.

My RIGHT arm.

I'm right-handed. My arm was a deformed, alien thing, seriously disfigured by the fact that every muscle from my shoulder to the tip of my fingers was flexing mightily, all at the same time.

And I couldn't stop it.

Panic sets in quickly in such a situation -- "how in the hell am I going to turn this off?" I asked myself, before getting lost again in the alien image of my deformed arm.

Thankfully, after a couple of hours, the 10-second burst subsided and I had 30-seconds to turn the damn thing off. I had a VERY hard time convincing myself to try this again...

Thank G*d for guardian angels who speak wisdom! I can't imagine the pain if I'd done this to my leg -- I'm sure I'd have literally passed out...