Sunday, July 8, 2007

Sounded like a Good Idea at the time...

One day the roommate 'Mike' and I discovered that our answering machine had gone dead. Smashing elbows are apparently not the way to reprogram delicate machinery. Whod've thunk it. The thing was about a million years old, serial number 000000003, that sort of thing, so we weren't too bummed. We scrounged about, picked a few coins from the ratty couch, and came up with enough cash to buy a new one.

What a doozy, this one. Did everything but talk dirty to you when you wanted to replay your messages. While trying to figure out which message to use (sans directions, of course), one of us happened upon the grand idea of using a quote or two from Full Metal Jacket. All hands agreed that this was the best idea since the Great Porch Fire of....last week. Head scratching ensued as we tried to decide which or what combination of quotes to use. Clean or colorful, short or long...

Eventually, we came up with a combination of quotes. Calling our line would result in something like the following...

ring...ring...*click* WHAT!???!....WELL?!!!?...WERE YOU ABOUT TO CALL ME AN ASSHOLE?!!!?...YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS...EXACTLY THREE SECONDS...BEFORE I GOUGE OUT YOUR EYEBALLS AND SKULL! F@CK!! YOU!!!...*beep* God bless R. Lee Ermey...

Immediately after setting the gizmo up, we got our first call!

After confirming that the machine was pre-set for the three ring pick up hoo-ya, we listened to the new message...perfect. The levels of elation were completely opposite end of the charts though, when we heard the message.



"Michael?...Michael?! This. Is. Your. Mother. You WILL call me when you get this message."

6 comments:

Deborah Aylward said...

Market this message to the world and neither will ever have to worry about your finances!!!

I called the Police up here to ask if it would be alright for the message to say that all calls are routinely screened by the Police. They said "yes", and an entire division now uses a similar message on their home 'phones. Does it stop the nuisance calls? No. The fact that their doors haven't been kicked in was the give away, I think. Your message may do the job, though.

Great post.

Veritas et Fidelis Semper

Johnny Law said...

Uhh whoops.

LOL

evalinn said...

lol - so what did she wanna talk about..?

Hammer said...

Perfect.

I recorded the jerkyboys "mofo"
message on mine a few years back, how was I supposed to know my wife's boss was going to call.

Murphy said...

Deborah - Our message was unceremoniously changed shortly thereafter, unfortunately.

Johnny - Yup, that about sums it up.

Evalin - I was laughing too hard to hear the first part, but I seem to remember something about his mom wanting to kicking his ass for the message, then kick mine for letting him.

Hammer - Refer to Johnny Law's comment.

Ann said...

Thanks for the laugh!

Your tale reminds me of a similar (though decidedly less colorful) incident from my childhood involving the family answering machine, myself, and my brother. Luck was against us as the first call came not from our mum but rather from our pastor's wife for our mum. Hah. That was fun. Needless to say, that was the last time we ever messed with the official answering message!

By the way, it's an interesting blog you've got going!