Saturday, July 25, 2009

More on Parties

So speaking of parties, I think the best part about house parties is the fact that you can show off your stuff. New grills, shotguns, cars, boats - heck, sometimes the house itself is the new item to show off / check out.

All of that, of course, has nothing on showin' off the babes at the party.


Now, there's a progression of the quality of stuff that gets shown off, when movin' on through the years. A few years back, the 'new' stuff was just new to the owner, and usually showed up at the apartment at random intervals usually around when folks would drag stuff out to the corner or out to the dump. Some creative application of school money and / or food cash might lead to a relatively high-quality television entertainment center. Some years later, more & consistent pay and a bit of discipline in spending will inevitably lead to better and better stuff.

At about the time when the majority of my friends were getting married, a few things inevitably happened. They ran out of cash and didn't go to any more parties? No, silly, just the parties themselves changed a bit. When most of the guys have their significant others with them we tend to be a bit better behaved (shocker). The food got a bit better too, come to think of it. More folks kept most of their clothes on (usually), and the get togethers became more about, well, gettin' together and hanging out than what they were in the past.

Inevitably, some couple will announce that they're expecting. Soon after, big ole bellies become on the of the things gettin' showed off at parties. This, of course, leads to the babes mentioned earlier.

There's a few funny things, 'bout baby-attended parties.

First of all, when a baby's gotta eat, they eat, and momma's gonna feed 'em. Most of the ladies got their Hooter Hiders (no kiddin', that's what they call 'em), but I've learned that the covers aren't strictly needed to feed the kiddos, apparently. Now, I'm a fan of the boobies as much as the next guy (mebbe more), and I understand what they're alleged main purpose is really for, and while I'll admit to seeing some level of boobage at parties before, seeing a partially topless good friend can give one pause. Lot's of the guys adopted a practice of entering the house via the laundry room, making a bit more noise when entering a living or dining room, or plain announcing their entrance in a room with one or more feeding babies. Generally, whenever we could we'd just hang out in the garage or out on the driveway / porch with the grill, swappin' stories and/or lies with the rest of the guys.

This is where another thing started to happen, with a disturbing regularity.

More often than not, the new dad(s) would be tellin' horror stories about the delivery, and all the other guys would be listening like so many Pfc's gathered around their grizzled old Sergeant.

"So there we were, the doc in it about to his elbows, when he reaches back and grabs the biggest pair of scissors you ever seen..."

"Hey, Zeus", just about in unison from the rest of the guys.

'Bout this time one or two of the ladies would just happen to wander outside in search of their significant others, and ask them inside. The gathered guys would immediately tend to the grill, their beers, or whatever they could, in somewhat of a 'maybe if I don't see her, my neck will be spared' kind of thought. When the condem-er, said named guy has been called out, there'd be some claps of the back, and well wishes from the spared guys, and a few relieved sighs from those not picked.

What happens when you get called in is something of a practical application test for prospective dads, in a room full of ladies. Sweetness, huh.

First of all, there's holding a baby.

Now, I suppose it's a good idea to practice this sort of thing, but my life experiences weren't exactly geared to holding and caring for small children. Mebbe if they needed some disassembly, oiling, loading and whatnot, but basically a small wriggling infant would be thrust in my arms and a room full of ladies would start giving me / barking advice, all at once. 'Support the head', 'tuck the blanket', and possibly 'raise the bottle' would start flying around the room, all accompanied by the critical gaze of My Love, and the even more critical gaze of the new momma.

Actually reminded me of going in front of a board, somewhat...

The best part of baby-attended parties was the number of baby-oriented conversations that we'd have in the weeks following. My Love was strongly in favor of starting a family immediately after each baby-party, hearing of a co-worker having a baby, seeing a baby on the television, or even hearing one cry out somewhere in the neighborhood. She had the fever, in other words. Me, I was of the opinion that things were going much too well for her to get preggers. Money was coming in pretty good, we were still paying off the credit cards at the time, purchase of the house was then not too far away, we had a little left in the bank at the end of each month, etc. I figgured that I'd lose my job immediately after paying the down payment for the house and right before totaling the car, and then we'd find out that she was pregnant. With twins. Regardless of my thoughts, I was always the thoughtful husband and allowed how we might need to practice the sort of actions that brought about the babies in the first place. Purely selflessly, of course.


Sabra said...

Give me five minutes alone with the chick who invented Hooter Hiders and a box of her product and she'll be walking funny for a month. Hate the damned things and all they stand for.

Just remember: Eye contact. 'S all you need.

You are coming back next week and telling us your wife *is* expecting twins, aren't you?

Great to see you regularly posting again.

Old NFO said...

AH yes... the "directions"! And God forbid you actually take the baby out of the room or even worse OUTSIDE... That one will get you bitched at by EVERY woman there! :-) And yeah, 'practice' works...

Crucis said...

Hey, all that doesn't happen just to new Dads. It happens to Grandfathers, too.

Grandkids are to spoil and then send hope to their parents.

The Loon said...

Whether or not there's a wee Murphy on the horizon, it does appear that you have returned to your readers in fine form.

("Hooter Hiders"? There are days I just don't understand this world.)

Sabra said...

Loon, just in case you don't know, Hooter Hiders are gigantic aprons of really ugly flower material a woman buckles around her body that say HEY LOOK AT ME I'M BREAST-FEEDING DISCREETLY! I've nursed three kids for a much-longer-than-normal amount of time and never used anything of the sort (and there are knockoffs, God are there knockoffs) and managed to have 99% of people never even notice I was nursing a baby/toddler. If women feel the need to cover, then by all means they should do so, but with such an important job, you deserve something lovely.

Snigglefrits said...

I am soooo glad I'm past the "I-wanna-baby" stage of life. Definitely something better left to you young folk with patience and such. ;-)

Glad to see you're alive and (hopefully) well, Murphy!

Bob G. said...

Another "tale from the trenches"...expertly conducted and presented...still LMAO!

lLso glad to see you "back in action".

Carry on!

Murphy said...

Re: eye contact, I'm good at not staring, the problem that I find is that they're often staring at me (ha!) There is a history of twins in her family, but nope, no twin pregnancy for her, then or now.

RE: rules, I'm ok with the obvious, it's just the millions of obscure little things that apparently all women are aware of and that I'm still learning.

Anonymous said...

I got here by way of AmbulanceDriver's blog.

I just wanted to point out that you should learn to hold a baby safely, and also do diapers.
If you do this, all the women in a 2 block radius will think you are the coolest thing since sliced bread.

...and a lot of them have hot sisters who are single.

I'm just sayin'....


Murphy said...


I am obliged to mention that I am (happily) married; no hot, young, single lovelies could possibly tempt me, even if they did think me the coolest thing ever.


About the babies and their (too often) diaper changing duties, spot on!


KD5NRH said...

It all depends on the baby; some do need frequent oiling, and several reloads a day. Think of it as a backwards version of a breakover shotgun; you load it at one end, and it discharges in the middle.