Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Tall Tales & Suck Ups

I was sitting at the bar one night, sulking at the fact that I got my ass handed to me at the pool table.

By a woman.


At the time I had experienced enough dateless nights to consider myself a fair billiards player, and I guess you could say that I am pretty decent when it comes to the game (Dating follies were pretty much continuous at the time, resulting in many dateless nights). The unending source of my grief is the fact that some wimmens know how to gain an unfair advantage at the table. Works every time, dangit. Quite the distraction. As I was sitting at the bar, contemplating how to ask her to show me how she made a few of those bank shots without coming across as a horny goat (not to say that I wasn't, just that I didn't want to make it too obvious, and it was an excellent series of shots), a slightly pudgy drunken monkey snags the stool next to me.

SPDM: Hey buddy, you in the Marines?

ME: Uh...yup.

SPDM: That's cool. I was gonna join the Corps.....

Here we go again...

There are a lot of guys out there that, for whatever reason, were unable to join the Corps. I don't pretend to judge another man's decisions when it comes to his life, because it's really none of my business. I know of a few guys that would have made fine Marines, soldiers, cops, or whatever but they needed to raise younger siblings, see to dying parents, or had various other commitments / restrictions. It just seems to me that in a bar situation, it is only the drunken monkeys that come up to hassle me though.

SPDM: ...but after I got off of probation, I decided to join the Air Force & Rangers.

Oh really? Air Farce Rangers, huh?

ME: Cool... So, did you got to the airborne sniper school in Seattle? I hear that one's a mother to get through...

SPDM: Were you an airborne sniper?

ME: Nope, just a regular grunt.

SPDM: Yeah, I went to a school like that, wasn't too bad, though, 'cept for the CQB training.

I'm gonna have fun with this one...

ME: I thought the knife training was pretty interesting, myself (true). Marines are taught the basics of target selection, various ways to attack those targets, little things like the blood groove on a k-bar, bayonet training, and alternative uses for a blade (true). It was only when they brought in the inmates that it got...*shudder* kinda gruesome. (sliiight exaggeration).

SPDM: Inmates?

ME: Yeah. Don't think they do it anymore, cause of all the screaming commies nowadays, but they used to have this deal where they brought out some really bad dudes towards the end of our knife fighting training. Incentives was that if they won, they got a reduced sentence, if we won, well, either way we got some good experience.

I can't believe my ability to BS sometimes, this crap is flowing like pure gold!

SPDM: Whoa. *slurps from almost forgotten beer* Didn't guys die, or somethin'?

ME: On occasion. Good thing about it was we had plenty of Corpsmen there, kind of a joint training thing. You would be surprised, the number of things a good doc can do to stop a dude from bleeding out (last part was true).

SPDM: Dude... I, uh, gotta go but lemme buy you a beer before I go...

He shoots, he scores! Now where was that lady from before? Don't think I made enough of an ass of myself earlier...


Just John said...

Pretty slick.

Hehehe, Air Force Rangers; what a hoot!

SpeakerTweaker said...

Looks like the Chairborne Sniper there may have tasted that beer again after contemplating a live fire exercise with a KNIFE...

That, Murphy, is damned funny. Carry on.


Hammer said...

I've heard my share of SEEL stories and other armchair commandos talking crap in a bar. Sometimes it's too much to take.

I like your method

SpeakerTweaker said...

Oh, and on a similar note, I know the feeling of having your ass handed to you by the distaff of the species. I remember the last time it happened to me like it was yesterday.

Course, I got her back by giving her my last name:) That'll teach her!


Deborah Aylward said...

And here you thought you had no funny stories about your....ahem....dating adventures!

Veritas et Fidelis Semper

Murphy said...

Uh, he wasn't my type.

Ahab said...

Clearly none of you are familiar with the uber-secret Coast Guard Special Forces team: The Killer Whales.

It's said that they got picked their name because, in the wild, Killer Whales eat Seals.


The full version of how I came upon such classified information involves a long flight back from Connecticut to Seattle, and a very drunk person next to me who thought my uniform was an Air Force uniform.